Should He Stay or Should He Go

3/24/99 Dear J,

Thank you for my blessings today. I felt patient and centered at work today. I ask for direction on what would be best for B’s bowel problems, show S and I the best solution for everyone involved. I pray for an offer on our rental home in Connecticut, “I believe our house is sold”. “I believe that our marriage can be the best it is ever been.” “ I believe that S will find a job that he can be as satisfied with as I am.” I pray for my daily self-control, I asked for your strengths and gifts, love, patience, peace, joy, inner calmness and I believe that you will give me the right words for communicating with the staff and my coworkers.

All my love, R


Dear R,

I love how you are noticing your negative thoughts and purposefully “training” a part of yourself to affirm the positive outcomes you would like in your life. Your son B has been sent as a teacher. He will work very hard to connect and communicate with you and I see how dedicated you are to finding the best and most appropriate care for him. His bowel issues are a constant struggle and I know it hurts you every time he hurts. You do find the strength daily to advocate for him through prayer and perseverance. One lesson of life is learning to allow our feelings to surface, to connect with them, even the ones we don’t “like” such as fear, concern, powerlessness. As you face your concerns for B, his health and education, you will often encounter feelings you’d rather not feel. The trick is to connect your feelings to your unmet needs in that moment. Maybe it’s the need for support, understanding, connection, and hope. This internal dialogue and process allows you to start the important job of self-connection and empathy. It is not easy raising a child with special needs. Often you will feel inadequate for the job, but you do truly have everything you need inside yourself to do this job and to do it well.

Love, Your Wisest Self


3/31/99 Dear J,

S and I had a few good days, we followed our weekly contract, then S’s anger and mine got in our way again. I think I do intentionally try to hurt him since I’m feeling the pain right through my heart when he says that everything I do is wrong or constantly puts me down. How can we stop hurting each other? God please help me to live each day to the fullest, help me to see the goodness and love all around me, in nature, at work, at church and in my home. Please keep gently reminding me to appreciate my children and their lovely innocence. Please allow me to feel all your gifts and to share them with my loved ones!

All my love, R


Dear R,

It is normal and natural to try to hurt back when we are hurting. In our culture it seems we often have two ways to hear: “hear blame, blame back” or “hear blame, blame yourself.” In Nonviolent communication there are two more ways to hear: “hear blame, give yourself empathy” (by listening to your feelings and needs) and “hear blame, give the other person empathy” (by listening and guessing their feelings and needs). This form of communication takes longer to do but can end the cycle of hurt and blame, the places where we often get stuck. Progress, not perfection, will become your life motto. Hang in there! You can’t change overnight, but trust me – you do change. So much good happens because of these important efforts you are making now.

Love, Your Wisest Self


4/1/99 Dear J,

I was really scared for M, it was so hard for her to understand the tests, but I’m glad we figured out that she had walking pneumonia. Dear God thank you for helping me stay calm and focused, allowing me to play with M and make the experience as pleasant as blood drawing, throat cultures and an x-ray can be for a little four-year-old girl. Please help M to heal and get strong again as quickly as possible, and if K has the same thing; allow us the knowledge right away, so he may also get better. I also ask that you lead S to the appropriate mature decisions he should be making in his life.

All my love, R


Dear R,

One of the hardest things is having sick children. You want to take away all pain and struggle. Remember you are right there advocating for them and loving them. That is exactly what they need along with your presence. It may feel like a lot to handle, that’s because it is, but someday you will realize that these moments of being present are really, truly, all that mattered. As for S, I am glad you are turning it over to God. A lesson time and time again is to remember that we are powerless over other people, places, and things. Our true power remains within ourselves, the only thing we can change. As life continues to unfold remember that each person, each situation, is often a mirror reflecting back to us an important lesson we need to learn. As a small child we often take in messages that support and inform our personalities. Some messages may be positive and some may be negative. As we grow, we get to decide which messages or “unconscious scripts” we’d like to keep and which ones we want to synthesis or release. Life is often Both/And, neither black or white, but something in between. So even though you think you know what decisions S “should” be making in his life, they are his decisions, not yours. Yes, they will affect you and the children, but how you respond to that is ultimately your decision, and that is your place of power.

Love, Your Wisest Self


4/5/99 Dear J,

I’ve been very depressed again. It was hard watching K be so sick. I was very scared for him and me. They were very nice in the hospital and I’m glad that we got good pictures of his lungs. It’s a shame that it took till today to get him on the right antibiotic but it seemed that this was the cycle we needed to follow. I’m so scared for me and S, we can’t communicate about anything and I feel so much anger at my life. I pray that you will please be present in my life, give me the strength I need to take care of myself so that I can take care of my children. Thank you for a wonderful Easter with my parents and kids and thanks for sending M some friends for her egg hunt.

All my love, R


Dear R,

I know you are feeling discouraged in your relationship and that it is no fun to feel such anger, but learning to feel and identify your feelings is all part of the journey. Feelings are often akin to the oil light in your car. If that light comes on you know you need to do something or the engine will blow. As human beings we often don’t pay attention to the subtle signals our bodies give us, so the anger can surprise us; it can feel out of control. This is especially true if you took in a message at a young age that it wasn’t OK to show your anger or even to feel it. As a young person we need to believe that our caregivers are “right,” otherwise we wouldn’t be safe and to not be safe is akin to death. In our young minds we create a “story” that makes sense and gives us a feeling of power and control. “If I am good and I don’t show my anger I will be loved and safe.” Often our true voice and authentic selves get lost in the maturation process. But good news! You are on the path of healing and growth. You are asking the questions and the universe will support you and show you the answers. It is not an easy journey. Many people stay stuck in pain and use all sorts of substances, and other coping strategies, to stay numb. Many other people travel the path you are on. Keep your eyes open. There are friends and allies all around you, holding out a hand and showing you a way.  Hang in there. Take life one moment at a time.

Love, Your Wisest Self


4/6/99 Dear J,

I’ve asked S to move out, I can’t stop crying. This is been the hardest thing I’ve ever done, how will I know if it’s the right thing, will our kids be okay, I feel so sad and alone. I’m not sure that I will do okay by myself, who will help me deal with all the kids stuff. Am I doing the right thing or my being selfish? God please help me to feel your presence and know that I’m not alone. I need some direction in my life, please help me find it.

All my love, R


Dear R,

Wow! This is super big news! I would like us to slow down together, take a few breaths. Your body is responding in a natural way, and you can learn to redirect the response. Take a few moments. (Maybe talk them through like you do on the app here?)

Now we’re ready to think about what is happening in your life. Change is often hard and scary. I know that you have doubts. I can hear those doubts in your questions. It is normal and natural to doubt yourself. Many people stay in unhappy relationships because they are familiar, the feelings and the outcomes rarely change, so it’s warm, familiar, and addictive by nature. Often people do not realize that freedom can come when you make a scary change. But it can take time. It takes listening to that often still, quiet voice, a voice that carries the Call of your Higher Self. This voice wants more for you than you’ve accepted for yourself. I imagine you are trying to meet some very important basic human needs by this strategy of asking S to move out. If I had to guess I would say you are meeting a need for emotional and physical safety, power in your world, understanding, acceptance, to be seen for your intentions, and peace of mind. I know you are not taking any of these decisions lightly. I applaud your bravery. Continue to have trust and faith in yourself and your process. The only way through is in.

Love, Your Wisest Self